Dealing with Loss
After the loss of my first sister Zakiyyah Qaadir, I did any & everything humanly possible to avoid the pain. I deflected, neglected, suppressed & denied. I left little room for my tears, relying heavily on my anger & strength to pull me through. As the wrongful death lawsuit was filed, the court hearings proceeded, court testimony minutes became hours.... my perception of weakness served little purpose here. .
I hated God, the world...life itself for a longggg time. The same places I once found peace & love before her passing I now found fear & anger. The things I once knew, I now questioned. I became masterful at the art of SMILING while dying inside. :
The ignorant & limited messaging I received about masculinity up until that point made it hard for me to truly connect with my hurt feelings. As the only male in a household of 8 women, I closely aligned my value to that of strength. When my mother, Grandmother and/or sisters were hit with sadness and/or pain they would always be able to rely on me for the strength required. :
Knowing what I know now, spending years coaching individuals through tremendous pain points, I now understand how misguided my previous sense of navigation was. How by avoiding the pain, limiting my tears, I restricted my own healing. I now willingly surrender to both the pain & the tears. The healing continues. Miss you KiKi :